Hitting my first long low at TFI...

For those of you who have been wondering where I got lost, I am pretty much here feeling like I am having an endless battle...without any positive outcomes...fell ill and missed a few days of school midst the numerous holidays that came and erased a lot of what the kids had mastered over the days...seems like I am back to square one! The results of their recent assessments have depressed me. I had taught them so much! They had mastered the same...but when it came to putting it on paper, it was as if I never existed...I am talking particularly about English. The kids have written exams before Diwali which will again eat up a lot of time...its more of a battle against time and a bit of my inefficiency of managing it well. Wish I had enough time to get the kids to the level of reading and writing they should be...It is a sad truth, but kids have to study history-civics, geography, science, computers, g.k. all in English when they barely know any English...I know that is why I am here...my job is to get them to do exactly that...I really want to get out of this phase of doubting things which will probably hold me back from giving my 100%...I broke down silently for many nights now...a strange fear has been gripping me and asking me "what if I fail? Will whatever I am doing, really make a difference?"
Nevertheless a lot of things keep happening in school which make me feel I am needed there. The kids need me. Even though I am there with them only for less than two years now, let me give them all the love and knowledge I can. Today, Aakanksha puked in class as she was unwell. Her entire dress was soiled. I took her to the washroom and started cleaning it with tissues and water. It was too sticky to come out and after a while I started feeling pukish because of the smell. That's when I decided to call the peon of the school to help me. She made a disgusted face as if the child had committed a crime. In front of Aakanksha she said "why do you want to bother? Tell her to wait outside class and call her mother to take her home." I could see Aakanksha needed me the most this moment! I told the peon to go and I will figure out what to do. I could here my class kids making noise and their study time being wasted. But I decided to stay with Aakanksha until her mother came. We both waited outside class. I could not help but shed a tear when Aakanksha said "thank you didi" before she left school.
School for me has become something beyond a place where I teach. I have developed emotional ties with my kids. And I realise a lot of me hitting the lows is because I care for what will happen to these kids...all of this is really not as simple as I had thought it would be. Let me be selfish and ask for all your prayers to make this a fruitful ride for me :)